My sister has a baby girl

Last Sunday my sister had her baby. It was 2 days before the due date which is quite amazing for a first child.

The birth has woken many emotions in me:

Love and Tenderness:
I just want to hold and cuddle the little one.

Jealousy:
I know I am only less than 12 weeks away from having my little girl but I want her now. It's not fair. I tried for so much longer and still have to wait. I still sometimes forget that I am really pregnant and knowing that other people have babies hurts so much. I wonder if I'll ever get over this and believe that my nightmare is over. That I will be a mommy soon.

Loneliness:
I live several countries away from home. So I can't even go to see my little niece now. Flying is not really suitable in the last trimester... And seeing the photos with my family posing with the little one makes me cry because they won't be able to come when my girl is born. And my niece will only see me once a year at Christmas and probably never know me properly. And my daughter will never properly know her grandparents and aunt and cousin. It makes me feel desperately lonely.

And that's just the beginning. I can't even describe how I feel. I am so happy for my sister and grateful that she has a healthy baby. But I find it hard not to be selfish and think that I want it all for myself. I know I shouldn't be ungrateful. I have a lot to be grateful for. A wonderful husband. A good and stable family income. A beautiful house. A baby in my bump. But I guess sometimes I forget how hard infertility was for me. How much I struggled not to blame my husband and how much on a warpath I was with fate. I guess it is only natural that I feel emotional at times like this.

But I am truly happy for my sister, her husband and her beautiful little girl. I hope the little one will have a happy and healthy life. And I hope the same for my little one.