Feeling sorry for myself

Maybe I am just hormonal and unreasonable. Saying so, I really don’t think I am. My husband and I are having an argument. Probably the worst we ever had. Not that I am sure he even has a clue how bad it is or what it is about… And that just makes it worse.

Let me start from the beginning….

My husband loves his work and if the word ‘work-a-holic’ wouldn’t exist yet it would have been invented for him. I contacted him about 7 pm via Skype to ask if I should cook for one or for two. He did not respond so after a while I switched the computer off and went to lie down on the couch. I feel quite exhausted after work these days. I had seen that he had put the washing out from the dryer and spread over the kitchen table, but I was tired and thought I’d do it later.

A while later – maybe half an hour – he called me and said that I should eat alone as he wanted to finish something. Fine, I’m used to that. I usually end up eating alone (she says trying not to sound full of self-pity). I asked if I should defrost some meat. He said no. I asked when he’d be home, about 8 or 8:30pm? He said yes, about 8 to 8:30. He was just in the office in the next village so it wasn’t far.
He sounded quite cheerful, just absorbed in his work as usually. He said his day was alright.

I cooked, ate in the living room as the chairs in the kitchen are very uncomfortable with my constantly sore back in the moment. Then I did my birth preparation hypnosis CD and just relaxed for a while which did my back the world of good. I watched some TV and about 9pm I called him to check where he is, if he was on his way. No response.

¼ to 10 I called again and he rejected the call. I realised that this meant that either he was speaking to someone more important than his wife or he was just down the road. It was the latter and about 10 to
10 he finally came in. He came into the living room and I said (only half jokingly) “Finally!” I mean, he was 1 ½ to 2 hours later than he said he’d be….

He turned around without saying anything and banged the door shut. I didn’t expect that and I don’t like arguments. I thought maybe something annoying had happened and he usually wants to talk if that’s the case. So I got up and followed him into his home office where he was busy to set up his computer to do some more work. Yes, you read correctly. At 10pm.

I asked him “What was that about. Why did you bang the door?” He answered that it just slipped out of his hand. Sorry, this door doesn’t do that. To bang it like he did you have to physically bang it close.

“Are you okay?” He said he was. I tried to give him a quick hug. After all, I wanted him to know that I’m not mad at him and he hadn’t even said hello yet. But he pushed me aside. Not physically you see, he just caught me at the shoulders and moved me out of the way in a “I don’t want you to touch me” way. He went to the kitchen.

Of course I had forgotten the socks. They didn’t need doing that day, by the way. I usually put them in the airing cupboard and do them when I feel less tired. But his face was just like “And she couldn’t even be bothered doing the socks. He started without comment putting them together, but he never matches the right socks up together. ” I thought it was not worth arguing about and said “Oh, leave it. I’ll do them. But you can’t expect me to do everything whenever you want to.”
“I don’t.” was his response before he walked out of the room to check his emails (I guess).

At this point I felt really emotional and tearful. Well, I started crying quite badly whilst doing the socks. I am a little hormonal in the moment even though I do the best for him not to notice. He is not very much into emotions and he is not good dealing with them so it is easier to keep him out of it whenever I can. At this moment in time I didn’t care. I cried and cried and cried. He came back, sorted himself some dinner. And still I cried. He didn’t say anything, didn’t hug me, didn’t apologise or kiss me. I finished the socks, went back to the living room without comment and – in protest – put the recorded ‘Coronation Street’ on which I hadn’t watched as I know he likes it (more than I do) and would want to watch it once he was home or next day. We usually watch it together whenever he has the time, which is why we record it. I am sure he watched it on the kitchen TV whilst eating (you can watch there whatever is on the main TV), but I resisted the temptation to delete the recording after I watched it just in case.

I then went through to the kitchen (it was after 11 pm by now) with my plate from earlier and he was just finishing his dishes. I washed my plate and he dried it. We didn’t speak. I turned around and went upstairs, put the socks and underwear I folded earlier away, got ready for bed. I watched TV for a little while in the hope that he’d come up and – if not apologise – at least give me a hug and come to bed. I read a few pages. ¼ to 12 I gave up. He wasn’t working. I heard him.
He just didn’t want to come through. Didn’t want to be with me.

I switched off the light and tried to sleep. But sleeping is quite difficult if you cry and go through tissue after tissue. A little after midnight he finally came in. He got ready for bed in the bathroom and came to bed. I pretended to be asleep, but he must have known I was awake. My nose kept running so I constantly got new tissues out and I still couldn’t stop crying.

I know you think I overreacted. But I felt so unloved. Unwanted. And scared. Not for me, but that he won’t change when the baby is here.
That the baby will hardly ever see her Daddy. That she will not believe that her Daddy loves her. I know he will love her. But will she if he prioritised work over everything???

At some point I fell asleep.

At some point this morning (it must have been about 4 am) I turned over and bumped into my husband. He said “Good morning, trouble.” He always calls me that, it’s like other people say ‘Darling’. But I wasn’t in the mood to be forgiving and accept that as an apology. I had slept awful and found his attitude in the evening rather unacceptable. I pretended to be asleep. I’m not even sure if he said it consciously as 2 seconds later he was deep asleep again.

This morning the alarm went off and I still felt resentful and hurt and tearful. I got up as I usually do. When I came out of the bathroom I know he was awake. He didn’t look at me though. I usually get dressed, then tell him to get up, give him a kiss and say good-bye.
This time I just couldn’t do it. I can’t remember the last time I felt so hurt. I know it is an extreme reaction, but surely it is a little bit understandable.

I got dressed in the light of the bathroom as always, then left. No kiss. No good-bye.

If he can come home without saying hello, I can go to work without saying bye.

I hate going to sleep without a cuddle so we both know everything is okay and we don’t take a grudge into the new day. And I never left the house without making up or at least letting him know that we can forget about what happened. This time I really need him to understand that he hurt me. I can’t be the one giving in again. I always am and he always makes out as if I just had a strop and he did nothing wrong.
I think he actually believes it.

But is it so hard to understand that I occasionally want to see my husband? Occasionally want to feel that I am more important than his work? I know he spent Saturday with me on the prenatal care course.
But he worked all Sunday as well. I don’t always want to feel second best to his work. I know that he loves his job. I knew this before I married him. I know times are tough and he needs to work hard. But a quick phone call? A quick hug or kiss. A quick ‘I love you’? I know we can afford things that my colleagues can’t because he works so hard. I know he is very proud of it and what he achieved. But I don’t care. I rather want him. I love him so much.

I cried most of the way to work in the car and needed to apply fresh make up before going in.

Part of the reason I was so upset that he came home so much later (without telling me) was that today and tomorrow he is out on business meals in the evening so if I see him before going to sleep it will be for 5 minutes if he comes home to get changed.

It is quite possible that the only conversations we have until Thursday evening is a ‘good morning’ tomorrow morning if I can get myself to give in. Unless he calls me which he sometimes does on his way home from work. I feel terrible about leaving things like this, but at the same time I don’t feel that I can do it differently. I even thought about if I answer the mobile tonight IF he calls. I probably will. He probably will pretend that everything is normal. I’ll probably play along and we’ll never talk about it again. I tried talking to him about it before and he doesn’t understand. If that happens all my tears over the past 24 hours were wasted. But if I don’t give in – I don’t know if he will. And to me, this situation hurts. He probably has all but forgotten about it by now.