Is that you, baby?

I could swear the baby is kicking me. I felt it the first Wednesday
evening (13+5). It felt like bubbles bursting on the wall of my belly.
I only felt it few times whilst lying on my back, then I turned onto
my left as I thought maybe the baby doesn’t like the position. I know
you are not really meant to lie on your back in pregnancy, but with my
leg / hip / lower back - or whatever it is - hurting it is much more
comfortable on my back, so I do it occasionally for a few minutes.
Anyway, it stopped after I turned.

I then forgot all about it until Thursday afternoon at work. It felt
different this time and happened about three times within less than an
hour, then stopped. It felt more as if someone was pinching me lightly
from the inside… It hurt a little (I would describe it as a stitching
pain), but more from the surprise than anything else. It isn’t gas – I
got to know how that feels quite well since I am pregnant. It isn’t
ligaments stretching neither. I had enough of that to recognise it.

It is still a little early to feel the baby. I’m only 14 weeks today
and at the last scan the baby was 1 day ahead of schedule. But I don’t
know what else it could be. And I know that the baby was very active
at the scan a week ago. So I somehow hope it is the baby. I am very
small after all and have grown quite a belly by now even if I still
haven’t put more than ½ kg on.

Not sure if I should worry about that anyway. I am eating as if food
goes out of fashion. Admittedly I cut down on chocolate and eat large
amounts of fruit instead which obviously has less calories. But I do
eat a lot more during lunch and dinner as well and usually even have a
piece of cake or something similar which I never did. I read that in
the first trimester you put on 2-3 kg (unless you are sick and can’t
keep your food in, which I wasn’t). And I know the baby hardly weighs
anything yet, but shouldn’t I be getting heavier anyway?

I decided not to worry. I know every pregnancy is different and I know
that I eat enough and healthy. I always struggled putting on any
weight and as my stomach is growing quite nicely I have to assume that
everything is fine.

That’s the problem with pregnancy – there is no right or wrong. Every
body is different, every baby is different and every pregnancy is
different. If you wanted you could spend the whole 9 months from
finding out you’re pregnant to delivery worrying yourself sick. And
believe me, I’ve been there and done that early in this pregnancy.

I was absolutely terrified that I’d lose this baby. I know every woman
worries and it is natural when you wanted to be pregnant and want to
protect the little one from the moment you know it’s there. But you
can’t do anything for it yet. But I think when you had problems with
previous pregnancies or – like me – had to go through IVF to have a
chance to become a mother, it is double scary. You are so acutely
aware that every attempt could be your last chance to motherhood.

I was lucky that I had so many eggs which fertilised following ICSI. I
only had to go through the full programme once and I am grateful for
it. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it’d be and at the same time it was
so much harder. The emotions, the injections, the fear, the secrecy,
the hospital appointments, the egg retrieval, the helplessness and the
overwhelming volume of emotions.

I was devastated when we couldn’t proceed with embryo transfer. And when the first frozen attempt failed I thought it was all over. But in some respect it is like falling off the horse. You have to get back on. You can’t give up or you’ll never
go back. I was so pleased that I was allowed to immediately try
another transfer as soon as my period started after the failed
attempt. And I know that I am lucky that this 2nd attempt (in my mind
the 3rd due to the stopped initial treatment) worked. I know 2 people
who tried for much longer. One had 4 unsuccessful full programmes so
far. One tried for 7 years and they now have given up.

But it is as if a couple who can conceive normally would be told “You
can have sex 3 times. If you’re still not pregnant, you’ve lost your
chance.” and that’s scary and a lot of pressure. So if you conceive you are desperate to hold on to your dream, not to lose your maybe only ever chance at the
last hurdle.

But now I am 14 weeks and I seem finally to be able to relax a little
bit and I actually start enjoying my pregnancy.

I have tweaks and pains and aches. But that’s part of the package and
I don’t mind. I had more pain before. I worry for the babies well
being and I guess I’ll do so until the day I die (blessings of being a
mother, ey?), but so far all the tests and examinations are promising.
Now that everybody knows, it starts feeling real. I am wearing my
normal tight tops again and my belly sticks out very visibly. I won’t
be able to wear my old tops for much longer.

Suddenly I stopped thinking ‘It’s early days, I might still lose the
baby’ and think instead ‘I’m going to be a mommy. In 6 months I’ll be
a mommy!’. And that feels so good. And I am so grateful that I was
given this chance. So it took a lot of pain and tears to get here. But
I did get here – that’s all that matters. Other people are never given
the chance. And others never have to go through what we had to go
through. I used to be a little jealous on people just conceiving just
like that. Not because I wished them suffering, but because I so
wanted to be them. But that doesn’t matter anymore.

I know we still have a long way to go and things can still go wrong,
but it feels as if we reached the end of the tunnel. We can be
parents. And we will be parents. I moved from “I might never be a
mother.” to “We might even be able to try for a sister or brother in a
few years time with the remaining embryos.” in what seems only a few
seconds but was many months and many more tears. And don’t get me
wrong, I don’t plan the second child yet. Let’s see if everything goes
well this time and how we feel once we are parents. I don’t doubt that
a further attempt would be no easier than the first child. Especially
with a toddler at home.

And right now, we take every week as it comes. One by one. Until my
little darling is safely in my arms.

A colleague just confessed to me that she lost a baby nearly a year
ago. She wanted to know if I have any tips on how to get pregnant as
she hasn’t been successful since. I had to tell her the truth – I
don’t think she’ll tell anyone. She just needed someone to talk to
herself. I think I was able to reassure her a little bit. At least she
knows that they can get pregnant. And most women having one
miscarriage have a healthy baby the next time.