Halleluja, Christmas is over. I read before that women going through infertility treatment often find Christmas a hard time. I thought I'd be different.
My parents know about our issues. I had to tell them because they kept asking when we'll give them a grandchild. I thought if they know they'd stop pushing.
My sister knows. She has some issues as well - but it is in the very early examination stages.
Apart from that only one friend knows. She had a baby in spring and because I live about 800 miles from home I have only seen photos so far. I was really pleased for her at the time. It took them over a year to conceive and then the first was a miscarriage. I was so looking forward to see the little boy.
So Christmas started off alright. My parents made a few insensitive comments - I know they mean well - like "We didn't get a real christmas tree - when you finally give us a grandchild, we'll of course buy one again". They just don't think at times.
The last 2 days were reserved for visiting friends. First the friend with the little boy. He was so cute. We had a good old natter and played with the little boy as well. I loved him - we was such a happy little thing and so curious and I would have loved to take him back home with me!
That night I was very down though. The visit had brought it so close how much I really want this. How much I miss it. How much it hurts still not to be a mother - haven't even been pregnant yet - after trying such a long time. How much I had hoped that embryo transfer would have taken place and I would have been pregnant by Christmas.
I didn't really sleep that night. I just lay awake staring at the ceiling and crying quietly so I wouldn't wake my blissfully ignorant husband.
The next day I was very tired - who wouldn't after less than 2 hours sleep. Anyway, in the afternoon we went to my other friend. The friend who got married 1 year ago. The friend who emailed 2 weeks ago that she wouldn't want a baby yet because she just started a new job a few months ago.
They had just build a house so we made the tour. Than we came to the last room: "This is the office, but we'll change it to a children room soon!" Then she looked at me with the look newly pregnant women have. You know, the look with big, happy gleaming eyes, tilted head, raised eyebrows. The one that says: "Ask me if I am pregnant! I want to share my good news with the world! Ask me, ask me, ask me!"
I could have burst in tears on the spot. Believe me, the temptation to just say. "Lovely room, let's go down. I wouldn't mind a coffee." was massive. But I pulled myself together. I said "Oh my god - you're not pregnant, are you?" Then I did all my ohhs and ahhhs. Listened for hours about medical examination, the kids room furnishing, the maternity leave and maternity pay. And justifying why I wasn't ready to have a baby yet and being told that I wouldn't know how much I miss. And I was excited for her. And happy. And I didn't cry. I had to go to the bathroom ones. I cried there - luckily I had make up in my handbag.
I couldn't stay as long as I normally would have. I didn't enjoy the visit at all. If I would have known before I could have coped. But as a surprise, just after I had an IVF treatment which had to be abandonned after egg retrieval - it was just too much. Especially after the visit of my friend with the baby the day before.
It's not her fault. This second friend doesn't know. The problem is - she'd tell her mother as they are very close. And once her mother knows the whole village I grew up in would know. I can't tell her.
I am pleased for her - somewhere deep inside. But I just felt that it should have my turn! We tried so long already! It's so not fair!
My husband was really good - he struggles with the language barrier, but he tried to divert the topic from the baby stuff as much as possible, claiming to have no interest whatsoever into babies and pregancies. I hardly could do that after all.
After 3 hours I made our excuses. As soon as we were in the car I started crying. We went to a shopping centre as I couldn't face going home immediately telling my parents. I cried in the carpark. I cried in the shop when my husband looked at CD and I could hide behind the photo equipment. At home I quickly went to the bathroom and applied new make up.
My cheerful little self went back in and gave my parents the good news. My mother had the sense to say "Oh, how wonderful. But it must be painful for you." I said "Yes, but I have to live with that. It happens all the time." (Which is trued, at work someone announces their pregnancy every few weeks in the moment.) And then she started interrogating me about 15 minutes about the details of my friends pregnancy until I said "I'm hungry. Let's put dinner out and change the topic."
I struggled eating anything and went to bed early. I cried all evening - alone on the couch, in bed cuddled onto my husband, in the bathroom trying to brush my teeth.
This morning we set off the 11 hour drive back home again. I was determined not to think about babies and my friends pregnancy and my other friends baby. But then my father gave me a hug to say goodbye and said "Try to get pregnant soon. We'd love having a grandchild." I know he didn't mean to hurt me. He tried in his clumsy way to show support for my treatment. It was his way to wish me luck. But I could have pushed his lights out. What does he think I do - f***ing sabotaging the IVF treatment?! I just said "Don't be daft.", went in the car and we drove off.
Of course I started crying again after that. I cried through 3 countries we had to pass. Everytime I stopped there was a song referring to children on the radio or a kid in a passing car waved over. On the ferry there were little kids everywhere as if there was a nest and they'd only be let out once a year to torment me.
Back in England I finally fell asleep and that stopped me crying. Until a few minutes ago when there was a TV spot for Great Ormand Street on showing all the ill little babies for whom you should donate.
But I'm fine now. I think I cried all the tear I have. I got myself a beer out of the fridge. Am finishing the washing and have dinner on the hob. I'll just pretend that everything is fine and hope that I'll get pregnant in our treatment in February.
Until then I'll continue my double live:
Career Tara: I don't have time for children. Career is first. We can still try in a few years. And if
not, then not.
Mama Tara: I need a baby. I have so much love to give. I don't give a sh**t about my career
anymore. I just want to be a mommy. It hurts so badly.
I'll start having a split personality if I have to keep this going for much longer.
Tuesday, 29 December 2009
Tuesday, 22 December 2009
Merry Christmas
So it is Christmas,
and what have we done.
Not made a baby,
a first attempt is done.
Well, I am not really in a Christmas mood. I had my scan on Monday to see if my ovaries calmed down after their near OHSS experience. Everything is fine. My womb lining is nice and thin following my recent period. I have a few small follicles but nothing out of the normal.
My next doctor appointment is on the 18th January. My husband and I will meet the consultant to discuss next steps. The nurse said that they need to give my ovaries a rest before we can try the FET (frozen embryo transfer) - we won't stimulate the ovaries, but there is still medication involved. What exactly that means I'll find out on the 18th Jan.
This infertility crap has been going on so long now that I don't even hope my period won't show - it will anyway, so why should I waste my energy on wishful thinking.
Still, I was pretty down this week. Based on Fertilityfriend my February cycle will start 6th February 2010. So at least it is at the beginning of the month and we don't have to wait too long. But whilst I kept telling myself that IVF doesn't need to work in the first month and that I probably won't get pregnant, it was painful to go past those dates in my diary like "pregnancy bloodtest!" knowing that it didn't happen because there was no Embryo Transfer, because I had risk of OHSS and because my 10 lovely embryos went straight into the freezer.
I tell you what - it hurts like hell. I can't tell you how many tears I cried in the last 2 weeks. In particular in the days I had my period - the one thing I was hoping not to have again for quite a few months. My husband is starting to learn how to deal with my emotions - he was really good, just holding me in his arms - bless him. I know he finds this difficult seeing me in tears about something he just can't give me. I love him so much.
So here I am, ready for my Christmas holiday. Telling myself that everything will be fine and trying to believe it. I just have been promoted and start my new job (in the same company) on the 1st January - and will have to go for a morning doctor appointment a few days later. I'll just say it is a check up of my operation in December...
What I want for Christmas?
- Soon becoming pregnant with a healthy baby
- End of the recession
- Success in my new job until I can announce that I am pregnant
- Health and Happiness
- A baby, a baby, a baby, a baby
Maybe I am too greedy? Well, if I have to chose just one wish? Being pregnant with a healthy baby which will come into this world 9 months later and makes our lives complete.
and what have we done.
Not made a baby,
a first attempt is done.
Well, I am not really in a Christmas mood. I had my scan on Monday to see if my ovaries calmed down after their near OHSS experience. Everything is fine. My womb lining is nice and thin following my recent period. I have a few small follicles but nothing out of the normal.
My next doctor appointment is on the 18th January. My husband and I will meet the consultant to discuss next steps. The nurse said that they need to give my ovaries a rest before we can try the FET (frozen embryo transfer) - we won't stimulate the ovaries, but there is still medication involved. What exactly that means I'll find out on the 18th Jan.
This infertility crap has been going on so long now that I don't even hope my period won't show - it will anyway, so why should I waste my energy on wishful thinking.
Still, I was pretty down this week. Based on Fertilityfriend my February cycle will start 6th February 2010. So at least it is at the beginning of the month and we don't have to wait too long. But whilst I kept telling myself that IVF doesn't need to work in the first month and that I probably won't get pregnant, it was painful to go past those dates in my diary like "pregnancy bloodtest!" knowing that it didn't happen because there was no Embryo Transfer, because I had risk of OHSS and because my 10 lovely embryos went straight into the freezer.
I tell you what - it hurts like hell. I can't tell you how many tears I cried in the last 2 weeks. In particular in the days I had my period - the one thing I was hoping not to have again for quite a few months. My husband is starting to learn how to deal with my emotions - he was really good, just holding me in his arms - bless him. I know he finds this difficult seeing me in tears about something he just can't give me. I love him so much.
So here I am, ready for my Christmas holiday. Telling myself that everything will be fine and trying to believe it. I just have been promoted and start my new job (in the same company) on the 1st January - and will have to go for a morning doctor appointment a few days later. I'll just say it is a check up of my operation in December...
What I want for Christmas?
- Soon becoming pregnant with a healthy baby
- End of the recession
- Success in my new job until I can announce that I am pregnant
- Health and Happiness
- A baby, a baby, a baby, a baby
Maybe I am too greedy? Well, if I have to chose just one wish? Being pregnant with a healthy baby which will come into this world 9 months later and makes our lives complete.
Wednesday, 16 December 2009
A new beginning
I had quite bad cramps all day yesterday, so I knew my period was coming soon. That's a good thing for me - even though I am trying for a baby.
Paradox? Maybe, but my first cycle of IVF was cancelled after egg retrieval due to risk of ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS). So instead of stopping my daily injections and having an embryo transfer, I stayed on Suprecur injections and waited for my period. After 22 unsuccessful months I've given up hope that it'll just happen. We suffer quite severe mail factor and it is rather unlikely that we'll just get pregnant the good old home-made way.
This morning my period had finally started, so I called the hospital as agreed. They said I should stop Suprecur now and we'll have another vaginal scan once my period stopped to see if by body adjusted back to normality. We made my appointment for Monday - as I am on holiday I don't have to think of excuses for once.
If everything looks fine an appointment with the consultant will be made - I guess that'll be next year. And then I hope that in Jan or Feb I will finally have my embryo transfer from one of my frozen embies.
More waiting then!
Paradox? Maybe, but my first cycle of IVF was cancelled after egg retrieval due to risk of ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS). So instead of stopping my daily injections and having an embryo transfer, I stayed on Suprecur injections and waited for my period. After 22 unsuccessful months I've given up hope that it'll just happen. We suffer quite severe mail factor and it is rather unlikely that we'll just get pregnant the good old home-made way.
This morning my period had finally started, so I called the hospital as agreed. They said I should stop Suprecur now and we'll have another vaginal scan once my period stopped to see if by body adjusted back to normality. We made my appointment for Monday - as I am on holiday I don't have to think of excuses for once.
If everything looks fine an appointment with the consultant will be made - I guess that'll be next year. And then I hope that in Jan or Feb I will finally have my embryo transfer from one of my frozen embies.
More waiting then!
Sunday, 13 December 2009
Feeling naughty
I am not a big binge drinker - to be honest, I can't hold a lot of alcohol and don't like the feeling of being completely drunk. So I usually stop before it gets to that stage. But I do like some cider or wine or a baileys or a whiskey as much as any girl.
Since our infertility issues I cut down a lot on this as well though. I know there is nothing wrong with my fertility - we suffer male issues - but alcohol is not good for fertility, so why take the risk of making things even harder for us.
Since I went on my treatment, i.e. from the day I started Suprecur, I cut alcohol out completely. It doesn't say you can't have alcohol whilst being on the medication, but it doesn't really neeed to be and it just felt wrong. There were a few days with a lot of stress at work where I thought "I'd love a glass of wine now!". But I was good. After all, once I am pregnant I don't want to drink neither. Most of the time I wasn't really bothered about not drinking anyway.
But I did say to my darling husband that if this doesn't work - if I don't end up pregnant after this cycle - I'd want to go for a nice meal and a lot of booze. I know it doesn't make up for not being pregnant, but it felt like the consolation prize (you know, the cheap handmade certificate for 2nd place rather than the shiny, golden trophy the winner gets).
As it turned out we didn't even have to wait for mid of December to find out what the pregnancy test said. All my embryos have beeen frozen and no embryo transfer took place. Ergo - I am not pregnant.
My husband has a really tough time in the moment at work, so I wasn't sure if I'd ever get to go for my meal. He worries me a bit - he is so stressed out and pale in the moment. I've been pressing him for weeks to take an evening or even a Saturday or Sunday off, but he always says he is too busy.
But on late of Friday (about 8pm) he called and asked if I have already eaten. I just had switched the oven on, but hadn't cooked yet. So he said he had a crazy day, was completely worn out and wanted to go for that meal.
Pre-christmas, Friday night, no booking! It took us a while to find a restaurant with free tables. But we finally found a Chinese and it was really nice. We shared a bottle of wine, then had a bottle of beer each. I was already a little... unstable... after that, but felt more relaxed than I had in many months. Then we went for a cocktail place. I had a 'Morgasm' and then an Irish Coffee. I wasn't completely drunk - I could still walk and talk - I didn't get a hangover next day neither. But I giggled a lot and felt a lot like cuddling my hubby!
I feel a bit naughty about having drunk that much, but I also know that other people I know drink that much and more every week! And both I and my husband needed this night of indulgence and relaxation.
Well, I slept in on Saturday, my husband got up at 7:30 to go to work. He says he'd be home about 1pm, but it's a good thing I didn't believe him and waited with lunch! He came back about 9pm. But at least he had one evening off and I think he looks a little better for it.
Since our infertility issues I cut down a lot on this as well though. I know there is nothing wrong with my fertility - we suffer male issues - but alcohol is not good for fertility, so why take the risk of making things even harder for us.
Since I went on my treatment, i.e. from the day I started Suprecur, I cut alcohol out completely. It doesn't say you can't have alcohol whilst being on the medication, but it doesn't really neeed to be and it just felt wrong. There were a few days with a lot of stress at work where I thought "I'd love a glass of wine now!". But I was good. After all, once I am pregnant I don't want to drink neither. Most of the time I wasn't really bothered about not drinking anyway.
But I did say to my darling husband that if this doesn't work - if I don't end up pregnant after this cycle - I'd want to go for a nice meal and a lot of booze. I know it doesn't make up for not being pregnant, but it felt like the consolation prize (you know, the cheap handmade certificate for 2nd place rather than the shiny, golden trophy the winner gets).
As it turned out we didn't even have to wait for mid of December to find out what the pregnancy test said. All my embryos have beeen frozen and no embryo transfer took place. Ergo - I am not pregnant.
My husband has a really tough time in the moment at work, so I wasn't sure if I'd ever get to go for my meal. He worries me a bit - he is so stressed out and pale in the moment. I've been pressing him for weeks to take an evening or even a Saturday or Sunday off, but he always says he is too busy.
But on late of Friday (about 8pm) he called and asked if I have already eaten. I just had switched the oven on, but hadn't cooked yet. So he said he had a crazy day, was completely worn out and wanted to go for that meal.
Pre-christmas, Friday night, no booking! It took us a while to find a restaurant with free tables. But we finally found a Chinese and it was really nice. We shared a bottle of wine, then had a bottle of beer each. I was already a little... unstable... after that, but felt more relaxed than I had in many months. Then we went for a cocktail place. I had a 'Morgasm' and then an Irish Coffee. I wasn't completely drunk - I could still walk and talk - I didn't get a hangover next day neither. But I giggled a lot and felt a lot like cuddling my hubby!
I feel a bit naughty about having drunk that much, but I also know that other people I know drink that much and more every week! And both I and my husband needed this night of indulgence and relaxation.
Well, I slept in on Saturday, my husband got up at 7:30 to go to work. He says he'd be home about 1pm, but it's a good thing I didn't believe him and waited with lunch! He came back about 9pm. But at least he had one evening off and I think he looks a little better for it.
Waiting once again
Having IVF (or trying for a baby in general) seems to consist largely of waiting. As my cycle was cancelled after egg retrieval without progressing to embryo transfer due to the risk of OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome) I had been told to stay on my Suprecur injections until I get my next period. Then I have to call for another baseline scan.
So that's what is happening in the moment. Egg retrieval was 2nd December, so I assume that counts as my day of ovulation. I'd expect to have my period Monday or Tuesday (tomorrow or the day after). I don't have any symptoms yet, but last time on Suprecur I didn't have any typical period symptoms neither, so hopefully I'll still get my period as soon as possible.
Last time I had my period 5 days after my period started (on a Monday, when it started on a Thursday). I think the clinic closes on the 21st December - at least that is when they do the last operations, so I'd need to get my period at the latest Thursday this coming week. We are going away on Christmas Holiday anyway on the 23rd December. So I really hope that my period isn't delayed so the baseline scan can still happen this year. I was hoping to have the appointment with the consultant as well this year as long as I am on holiday. But I doubt I'll get the appointment that quickly. But we'll see.
So that's what is happening in the moment. Egg retrieval was 2nd December, so I assume that counts as my day of ovulation. I'd expect to have my period Monday or Tuesday (tomorrow or the day after). I don't have any symptoms yet, but last time on Suprecur I didn't have any typical period symptoms neither, so hopefully I'll still get my period as soon as possible.
Last time I had my period 5 days after my period started (on a Monday, when it started on a Thursday). I think the clinic closes on the 21st December - at least that is when they do the last operations, so I'd need to get my period at the latest Thursday this coming week. We are going away on Christmas Holiday anyway on the 23rd December. So I really hope that my period isn't delayed so the baseline scan can still happen this year. I was hoping to have the appointment with the consultant as well this year as long as I am on holiday. But I doubt I'll get the appointment that quickly. But we'll see.
Wednesday, 9 December 2009
Back to work
I honestly don't get it. I received the sick note for 1 week in the post today. After they told me they couldn't get that quick enough for me.
Oh well, by the time the post arrived I already had worked half the day from home so I called my boss, told him that I managed to get the revised doctor certificate. I continued working from home today, but will go in the office on Thursday and Friday.
I wasn't unhappy to work from home today as I still am so very bloated. I look like 5 months pregnant (only unfortunately without the baby) and my stomach is very hard. I had been warned that might be the case. After all, they retrieved 21 eggs! But it starts to be annoying.
Tomorrow and Friday I'll have to do my injection at work then, but I'll just go to the disabled toilet. It shouldn't be a problem.
Apart from that I feel really well again - otherwise I wouldn't have returned to work. Only this massive belly, being bloated and constipation still reminds me of egg retrieval (and of course the constant nagging thought that I should have had a chance of being pregnant by now).
Apart from that I am looking forward to being able to enjoy intimacy with my husband again over Christmas. No medication, no chance, no pressure. Just fun. That suffered a lot during our IVF treatment and my husband all but lost interest in bedroom fun as a consequence to our increasingly desperate (and timed) attempts to get pregnant. I bought us the Nokii adults board game for Christmas. Maybe that will help us to losen up a bit again...
Oh well, by the time the post arrived I already had worked half the day from home so I called my boss, told him that I managed to get the revised doctor certificate. I continued working from home today, but will go in the office on Thursday and Friday.
I wasn't unhappy to work from home today as I still am so very bloated. I look like 5 months pregnant (only unfortunately without the baby) and my stomach is very hard. I had been warned that might be the case. After all, they retrieved 21 eggs! But it starts to be annoying.
Tomorrow and Friday I'll have to do my injection at work then, but I'll just go to the disabled toilet. It shouldn't be a problem.
Apart from that I feel really well again - otherwise I wouldn't have returned to work. Only this massive belly, being bloated and constipation still reminds me of egg retrieval (and of course the constant nagging thought that I should have had a chance of being pregnant by now).
Apart from that I am looking forward to being able to enjoy intimacy with my husband again over Christmas. No medication, no chance, no pressure. Just fun. That suffered a lot during our IVF treatment and my husband all but lost interest in bedroom fun as a consequence to our increasingly desperate (and timed) attempts to get pregnant. I bought us the Nokii adults board game for Christmas. Maybe that will help us to losen up a bit again...
Tuesday, 8 December 2009
The one with the sick note
Well, I realised today that I was actually never in my life long enough off ill to have a doctor certificate. And given how much trouble this one caused me I am actually quite pleased about that.
When they called me after my egg retrieval and told me that I wouldn't be able to proceed with embryo transfer I asked to only have a sick note for 1 week instead of the suggested 2. My reasoning? Well, I need to be off ill again early next year for embryo transer, don't I? And I don't know how to explain two 2-week absences in such a short timescale. On top of that I have annual leave from Monday till the end of the year and my poor team is completely snowed under with work, having to take things over from me.
The nurse agreed and said she'd put the certifiate in the post for me.
However, when I still hadn't received my doctor certificate on Monday I thought I better called them. After all I was supposed to go back to work on Wednesday and I could hardly waltz in without my doctors note...
I called and .... ooops, they forgot my certificate. They wouldn't be sure when they could get it signed as the consultant isn't in the house. Great. They promised to call me back as soon as possible.
They called later in the day - they managed to get hold of a doctor who signed me off for 2 weeks. (2 weeks?! I wanted 1 week.) Could I pick it up on Tuesday morning.
Well, I went in this morning and was hoping they could just change the date for me on the certificate. They couldn't. And a doctor would only be in again by the end of the week. But going back early to work shouldn't be an issue as long as my company doesn't have a problem with that.
I left my manager a garbled message along those lines on his answerphone. He called back a little later and said that I wouldn't be able to come to work without a note from the doctor that I am well to work again. Not that he wouldn't want me to, but it's an insurance issue. If anything would happen to me whilst being at work the company would be in real trouble. BUT, he'd be very happy for me to work from home and claim any cost for mobile phone usage back as an expense claim.
So that's what I do. I sent the doctor certificate off today together with the letter confirming our agreement. I don't want them to turn around at the end of this saying "thanks that you worked whilst you were off ill, but it still counts as sick days as you had a sick note". I guess foresight is better than hindsight. Not that I don't trust them, but I've been in business for many years now.
So tomorrow I'll start working again for a few days!
When they called me after my egg retrieval and told me that I wouldn't be able to proceed with embryo transfer I asked to only have a sick note for 1 week instead of the suggested 2. My reasoning? Well, I need to be off ill again early next year for embryo transer, don't I? And I don't know how to explain two 2-week absences in such a short timescale. On top of that I have annual leave from Monday till the end of the year and my poor team is completely snowed under with work, having to take things over from me.
The nurse agreed and said she'd put the certifiate in the post for me.
However, when I still hadn't received my doctor certificate on Monday I thought I better called them. After all I was supposed to go back to work on Wednesday and I could hardly waltz in without my doctors note...
I called and .... ooops, they forgot my certificate. They wouldn't be sure when they could get it signed as the consultant isn't in the house. Great. They promised to call me back as soon as possible.
They called later in the day - they managed to get hold of a doctor who signed me off for 2 weeks. (2 weeks?! I wanted 1 week.) Could I pick it up on Tuesday morning.
Well, I went in this morning and was hoping they could just change the date for me on the certificate. They couldn't. And a doctor would only be in again by the end of the week. But going back early to work shouldn't be an issue as long as my company doesn't have a problem with that.
I left my manager a garbled message along those lines on his answerphone. He called back a little later and said that I wouldn't be able to come to work without a note from the doctor that I am well to work again. Not that he wouldn't want me to, but it's an insurance issue. If anything would happen to me whilst being at work the company would be in real trouble. BUT, he'd be very happy for me to work from home and claim any cost for mobile phone usage back as an expense claim.
So that's what I do. I sent the doctor certificate off today together with the letter confirming our agreement. I don't want them to turn around at the end of this saying "thanks that you worked whilst you were off ill, but it still counts as sick days as you had a sick note". I guess foresight is better than hindsight. Not that I don't trust them, but I've been in business for many years now.
So tomorrow I'll start working again for a few days!
Saturday, 5 December 2009
Back on suprecur
So egg retrieval was last Wednesday. Yesterday should have been embryo transfer, but because my hormone levels were so high and I had so many eggs, the doctors didn't feel it was safe to proceed.
It hurts. It sucks.
But on the other side I still feel pretty crap from egg retrieval. I didn't think I'd take this long to recover, but I basically slept Wednesday and Thursday through.
I feel very sore in my stomach and I get exhausted very quickly. It's Saturday now and I still only manage to stay up for a few hours - and that is to sit in front of the TV on the couch until I need to crawl back into bed.
So I am not sure how able my body would have been to help the embryo to implant. And OHSS can have serious side effects. I hate having to wait longer - there are no guarantees that it works even then - but it can't be worth risking my health for it. I want to be able to be there for my baby once we have it.
After the nurses told me on the phone on Thursday that I should go back on Suprecur from Friday until I get my period to help my ovaries to build back I checked my stock of needles and Suprecur. I only had 7 needles left (I need 2 a day) and half a bottle of Suprecur. On Monday I wouldn't have had enough left... The nurses said my husband or I could simply pick up some in the hospital if I needed more.
Great. I wasn't supposed to drive for 48 hours after my sedation, so I might have been okay. But to be honest, I don't think I could have coped driving 25 minutes, finding a tiny parking space and walking 10 minutes to the hospital to pick up more medication. So my dear husband drove me. He didn't want to go alone, even though I said I'd give him my NHS prepayment card and write down what I need. But he was very wary of doing this. He hates hospitals and doesn't like the thought of going there without me! Men! And to be honest, parking there is a nightmare so it was easier for him to drop me off at the door and drive round in circles until I came back.
I felt okay in the morning, so we went straight after my first Suprecur injection at 8:45 (as I am on sick leave and holiday most of the time up to my period I decided to do it later - I'll just have to do it in the office toilet for 3 days and at least have a chance to sleep a little longer most of the time). I got in and explained what I needed. The receptionist called a nurse, the nurse asked me if I was okay and gave me more tips to reduce the pain and gave me another 40 needles @ 0.5mm and a bottle of Suprecur. They took my NHS prepaid number and said they'd fill in the form afterwards.
I went out just as my husband came around the corner again and jumped into the car. By the time we were back home I was so exhausted that I crawled up the stairs (staying upright still hurt quite a bit) with my coat and climbed into bed. My husband helped me to get undressed, brought me more to drink (I am supposed to drink at least 3 ltr a day in the moment) and tried to convince me to eat something (bless him, he has to try). I think I was asleep before he left the room to go back to work.
He is a good'un, really. I sometimes surprise myself with how much I love him.
Today I felt a little better so I got up and had some crumpets with butter for breakfast. The medication is supposed to make people gain weight - the one side effect I was hoping for. Depending on the day I am between 49.5kg and 50.2kg. And really I should be on at least 54kg.... It just is so difficult to eat when you have stomach pain.
I managed to stay on the couch till 1pm - then I started feeling crap again. And as my husband pointed out kindly about 10 past 1 that I look like shit and could I please go back to bed.... Well, that's were I spent the rest of the time until now.
The Suprecur injections are okay. They don't really hurt, at least not after having had the Menopur and HCG shots. It's just annoying and disappointing. I was hoping by now to count down the days till my pregnancy test. But instead I am back on the needles and count the days to my next period and doctor appointment.
Oh well, there is not much I can do apart from believing that it is all for the best and once it is time for the frozen embryo transfer my body will be much stronger to support pregnancy.
It hurts. It sucks.
But on the other side I still feel pretty crap from egg retrieval. I didn't think I'd take this long to recover, but I basically slept Wednesday and Thursday through.
I feel very sore in my stomach and I get exhausted very quickly. It's Saturday now and I still only manage to stay up for a few hours - and that is to sit in front of the TV on the couch until I need to crawl back into bed.
So I am not sure how able my body would have been to help the embryo to implant. And OHSS can have serious side effects. I hate having to wait longer - there are no guarantees that it works even then - but it can't be worth risking my health for it. I want to be able to be there for my baby once we have it.
After the nurses told me on the phone on Thursday that I should go back on Suprecur from Friday until I get my period to help my ovaries to build back I checked my stock of needles and Suprecur. I only had 7 needles left (I need 2 a day) and half a bottle of Suprecur. On Monday I wouldn't have had enough left... The nurses said my husband or I could simply pick up some in the hospital if I needed more.
Great. I wasn't supposed to drive for 48 hours after my sedation, so I might have been okay. But to be honest, I don't think I could have coped driving 25 minutes, finding a tiny parking space and walking 10 minutes to the hospital to pick up more medication. So my dear husband drove me. He didn't want to go alone, even though I said I'd give him my NHS prepayment card and write down what I need. But he was very wary of doing this. He hates hospitals and doesn't like the thought of going there without me! Men! And to be honest, parking there is a nightmare so it was easier for him to drop me off at the door and drive round in circles until I came back.
I felt okay in the morning, so we went straight after my first Suprecur injection at 8:45 (as I am on sick leave and holiday most of the time up to my period I decided to do it later - I'll just have to do it in the office toilet for 3 days and at least have a chance to sleep a little longer most of the time). I got in and explained what I needed. The receptionist called a nurse, the nurse asked me if I was okay and gave me more tips to reduce the pain and gave me another 40 needles @ 0.5mm and a bottle of Suprecur. They took my NHS prepaid number and said they'd fill in the form afterwards.
I went out just as my husband came around the corner again and jumped into the car. By the time we were back home I was so exhausted that I crawled up the stairs (staying upright still hurt quite a bit) with my coat and climbed into bed. My husband helped me to get undressed, brought me more to drink (I am supposed to drink at least 3 ltr a day in the moment) and tried to convince me to eat something (bless him, he has to try). I think I was asleep before he left the room to go back to work.
He is a good'un, really. I sometimes surprise myself with how much I love him.
Today I felt a little better so I got up and had some crumpets with butter for breakfast. The medication is supposed to make people gain weight - the one side effect I was hoping for. Depending on the day I am between 49.5kg and 50.2kg. And really I should be on at least 54kg.... It just is so difficult to eat when you have stomach pain.
I managed to stay on the couch till 1pm - then I started feeling crap again. And as my husband pointed out kindly about 10 past 1 that I look like shit and could I please go back to bed.... Well, that's were I spent the rest of the time until now.
The Suprecur injections are okay. They don't really hurt, at least not after having had the Menopur and HCG shots. It's just annoying and disappointing. I was hoping by now to count down the days till my pregnancy test. But instead I am back on the needles and count the days to my next period and doctor appointment.
Oh well, there is not much I can do apart from believing that it is all for the best and once it is time for the frozen embryo transfer my body will be much stronger to support pregnancy.
Thursday, 3 December 2009
A lot of tears
I woke up this morning when my husband got up. My cold has got worse rather than better and now with the painkillers easing off, I can feel my stomach pain quite a bit. Still, it's no worse than period pain. I try to drink a lot as instructed, but passing water is quite painful. I didn't have any spotting or bleeding though.
The waiting was the worst part. They said they'd call me the day after egg retrieval between 10 and 11. One of the embryologists finally called me at 10:59.
They checked if I was okay. Then they told me the results.
21 eggs.
17 were mature and were injected with my husbands sperms.
10 showed signs of fertilisation.
But:
Because I had so many eggs (10 seems to be normal) and my hormone levels were too high they didn't want to do the embryo transfer. Pregnancy increases the risk of OHSS (ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome). So they'll freeze all 10 babies (okay, they are only embryos, but somehow it feels as if they are my babies).
Of course I am desperately disappointed when they told me. I was so hoping we could do embryo transfer on Friday. It took all my strengths not to burst into tears on the phone. I made up for that when I called my husband, believe me.
The nurse called me a little later. Checked again if I was okay. She asked me to start my Suprecur injections again tomorrow morning (and I thought that was over) until I had my next period. That would be needed to ensure my body normalises again. I'll need to drop by and get some more Suprecur.
Then I should stop, then call the ACU again. After the call they scan me to check if everything is okay and my body normalised again. If everything is okay they'll make an appointment with the consultant to discuss when FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) takes place. That'll be at some point in the new year as they wait for 1 or 2 periods.
I know it is for the best. I know I can't risk my health and the health of my baby just for the sake of getting pregnant. But it still hurts so much. I was hoping so badly to be pregnant by Christmas.
The waiting was the worst part. They said they'd call me the day after egg retrieval between 10 and 11. One of the embryologists finally called me at 10:59.
They checked if I was okay. Then they told me the results.
21 eggs.
17 were mature and were injected with my husbands sperms.
10 showed signs of fertilisation.
But:
Because I had so many eggs (10 seems to be normal) and my hormone levels were too high they didn't want to do the embryo transfer. Pregnancy increases the risk of OHSS (ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome). So they'll freeze all 10 babies (okay, they are only embryos, but somehow it feels as if they are my babies).
Of course I am desperately disappointed when they told me. I was so hoping we could do embryo transfer on Friday. It took all my strengths not to burst into tears on the phone. I made up for that when I called my husband, believe me.
The nurse called me a little later. Checked again if I was okay. She asked me to start my Suprecur injections again tomorrow morning (and I thought that was over) until I had my next period. That would be needed to ensure my body normalises again. I'll need to drop by and get some more Suprecur.
Then I should stop, then call the ACU again. After the call they scan me to check if everything is okay and my body normalised again. If everything is okay they'll make an appointment with the consultant to discuss when FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) takes place. That'll be at some point in the new year as they wait for 1 or 2 periods.
I know it is for the best. I know I can't risk my health and the health of my baby just for the sake of getting pregnant. But it still hurts so much. I was hoping so badly to be pregnant by Christmas.
Egg retrieval
Yesterday was the day of my egg retrieval. I was awake quite early and of course felt nervous. It is an operation after all. But I wasn't too bad.
We got to the hospital about 7:15. We had been asked to come in for 7:30. It took a while until we were seen - it must have been about 8 am. I had to sign another form confirming that I had no heart problems and the like. They also said they give me a pessary inserted rectal whilst I am knocked out, but I have to give permission for that. It'd be a strong pain relieve for 18 hours. Of course I agreed. It might be awkward, but better than having the pain.
I was a bit worried as I developed a cold the day before egg retrieval. She marked it on the form, but there was no mention of it risking the treatment, which was what I was scared of.
I asked about the risk of OHSS (ovarian hyper stimulation) as my hormone levels were too high and I had been told that we might not go ahead with embryo transfer depending on how many eggs were retrieved. My husband asked how many eggs were "reasonable". She said 10 were average. Up to 20 were reasonable.
I was told it'd be my turn approximately about 10am. I groaned inwardly - that's a long time sitting a the hospital waiting for an operation. Especially as I hadn't been allowed to drink or eat anything since midnight. I was dying for some water by now.
My husband started to get a headache so about 9 am he went to get a little fresh air and a cup of coffee. A few minutes later there was suddenly a nurse calling my name! Nearly an hour early! There wasn't much I could do, so I asked a nurse to tell my husband when he came back and went into one of the scan rooms. I had to get fully undressed and put a hospital gown on. Over that I put on my dressing gown and I put on a pair of slippers. I had to take all my jewellery off and stuffed it in the front of my bag. It was only 2 minutes until they came back and took me to the operation theatre. I left my bag and shoes outside and went in.
A nurse then took my dressing gown. The anethesist shook my hand. I climbed on the "bed". The anethesist asked if I've done this before and when I said no, he told me not to worry. He place a catheter into my left hand and insert some sedative medicine. It would feel cold in my arm and I might feel a little drunk. Then I'd be kind of asleep.
Whilst he prepared the catheter 2 embryologists appeared at my right side. They checked my date of birth and name and compared the number they had to the number that had been written on a piece of paper wrapped around my wrist. Whilst talking to them I felt a prick of the needle in my left hand and an oxygen mask was placed over my mouth. Then my arm felt like something cold was going through it, the room started getting hazy (like after drinking a whole bottle of wine on your own - I only experienced this once!). Next thing I knew I was in the wake-up room and looked at the nurse who asked me if I was okay.
I said I was - she moved the transportable bed next to one a bit softer and helped me to climb over. My bag and dressing gown and shoes were on a table on the side. Then she left to get my husband and a cup of coffee.
My husband came in and we sat for a few minutes whilst I fully regained consciousness. The nurse came back, said we had 21 eggs, but they couldn't say yet how many were mature. I was told to take antibiotics for the next 5 days and drink as much as possible (at least 3 ltr daily) to reduce the risk of OHSS. I could eat normally and have a bath if I want. Paracetamol would be okay if I have pain as would be some spotting. If I'd get worse bleeding I should call them. They'd call me the next day between 10 and 11 to tell me if any eggs fertilised and what the next steps are.
Then she left us alone, we waited a little longer until I felt safe to get up and then my husband helped me getting dressed. I waited in the waiting room until he got the car. He called my mobile when he was back and I went out in the car.
Back home I pretty much slept for the rest of the day. I had some light pain, like a light period, but it was okay.
The egg retrieval itself? I don't really remember it. I was fully knocked out by the sedation within seconds.
They had explained before that a needle would be attached to the probe, inserted in my vagina and the liquid of the follicles drained off. If the egg didn't come out they might re-inject the liquid and try again, but only twice, to avoid damage to the ovaries. The embryologists would check if they got any eggs.
It is an operation and that's never nice and I feel pretty rough now. But it is nothing to worry about. I haven't slept that deep for a long time!
We got to the hospital about 7:15. We had been asked to come in for 7:30. It took a while until we were seen - it must have been about 8 am. I had to sign another form confirming that I had no heart problems and the like. They also said they give me a pessary inserted rectal whilst I am knocked out, but I have to give permission for that. It'd be a strong pain relieve for 18 hours. Of course I agreed. It might be awkward, but better than having the pain.
I was a bit worried as I developed a cold the day before egg retrieval. She marked it on the form, but there was no mention of it risking the treatment, which was what I was scared of.
I asked about the risk of OHSS (ovarian hyper stimulation) as my hormone levels were too high and I had been told that we might not go ahead with embryo transfer depending on how many eggs were retrieved. My husband asked how many eggs were "reasonable". She said 10 were average. Up to 20 were reasonable.
I was told it'd be my turn approximately about 10am. I groaned inwardly - that's a long time sitting a the hospital waiting for an operation. Especially as I hadn't been allowed to drink or eat anything since midnight. I was dying for some water by now.
My husband started to get a headache so about 9 am he went to get a little fresh air and a cup of coffee. A few minutes later there was suddenly a nurse calling my name! Nearly an hour early! There wasn't much I could do, so I asked a nurse to tell my husband when he came back and went into one of the scan rooms. I had to get fully undressed and put a hospital gown on. Over that I put on my dressing gown and I put on a pair of slippers. I had to take all my jewellery off and stuffed it in the front of my bag. It was only 2 minutes until they came back and took me to the operation theatre. I left my bag and shoes outside and went in.
A nurse then took my dressing gown. The anethesist shook my hand. I climbed on the "bed". The anethesist asked if I've done this before and when I said no, he told me not to worry. He place a catheter into my left hand and insert some sedative medicine. It would feel cold in my arm and I might feel a little drunk. Then I'd be kind of asleep.
Whilst he prepared the catheter 2 embryologists appeared at my right side. They checked my date of birth and name and compared the number they had to the number that had been written on a piece of paper wrapped around my wrist. Whilst talking to them I felt a prick of the needle in my left hand and an oxygen mask was placed over my mouth. Then my arm felt like something cold was going through it, the room started getting hazy (like after drinking a whole bottle of wine on your own - I only experienced this once!). Next thing I knew I was in the wake-up room and looked at the nurse who asked me if I was okay.
I said I was - she moved the transportable bed next to one a bit softer and helped me to climb over. My bag and dressing gown and shoes were on a table on the side. Then she left to get my husband and a cup of coffee.
My husband came in and we sat for a few minutes whilst I fully regained consciousness. The nurse came back, said we had 21 eggs, but they couldn't say yet how many were mature. I was told to take antibiotics for the next 5 days and drink as much as possible (at least 3 ltr daily) to reduce the risk of OHSS. I could eat normally and have a bath if I want. Paracetamol would be okay if I have pain as would be some spotting. If I'd get worse bleeding I should call them. They'd call me the next day between 10 and 11 to tell me if any eggs fertilised and what the next steps are.
Then she left us alone, we waited a little longer until I felt safe to get up and then my husband helped me getting dressed. I waited in the waiting room until he got the car. He called my mobile when he was back and I went out in the car.
Back home I pretty much slept for the rest of the day. I had some light pain, like a light period, but it was okay.
The egg retrieval itself? I don't really remember it. I was fully knocked out by the sedation within seconds.
They had explained before that a needle would be attached to the probe, inserted in my vagina and the liquid of the follicles drained off. If the egg didn't come out they might re-inject the liquid and try again, but only twice, to avoid damage to the ovaries. The embryologists would check if they got any eggs.
It is an operation and that's never nice and I feel pretty rough now. But it is nothing to worry about. I haven't slept that deep for a long time!
Tuesday, 1 December 2009
Disappointment and hope
Monday was my 5th and last scan and bloodtest before the egg retrieval.
I did the bloodtest first and it went well. Then I had my vaginal scan. It was fine - not at all painful as the time before, but more like the first 3 times. I just must have been really bloated the last time. Everything looked well. I have loads of follicles (about 20) and the vary from 9mm to over 20mm.
The nurse said that the sizes are really good, everything looks great.
She told me to do my Pregnyl injection in the evening. Like with Menopur I needed to mix it - just 2 powders and 1 liquid. I don't need to inject any more Menopur and the Suprecur injection in the morning was the last one as well. Unless they call me and tell me otherwise.
I texted my husband that it's all okay and egg retrieval will go ahead on Wednesday.
But then - about 5:30 - my mobile rang. I was still at work and as soon as I saw "private number", I started worrying. It had to be the hospital.
I picked up and the nurse said her name and then asked if I can talk. They never ask that. They usually just say - "Can you reduce your Menopur for the next 2 days to x powders?"
So I knew there was something wrong. I went out in the hallway close to the toilets in case I'd burst into tears. My scan was fine, she said. No problem at all. But my blood test... Despite resting on Sunday (no Menopur) and only having 1 powder of Menopur each on Friday and Saturday my hormone levels are too high and the consultant is concerned.
We'll go ahead with the egg retrieval she said. But if they get too many eggs the consultant might not feel it to be safe to continue with embryo transfer. In that case they would fertilize the eggs and if there are any good enough to freeze, freeze the embryos. I'd then need to wait 2-3 months until we can start again on a frozen cycle.
I want this. Now. Not in a few months. I've been so patient recently, but I don't want to wait longer. What if the embryos don't survive the defrosting? That's my full cycle and my frozen cycle gone. The next one we need to pay for ourselves and it would be nearly summer by then.
Right now I am absolutely petrified. I will only find out after the operation when I wake up. Either we do embryo transfer on Friday or in a few months. Great.
The injection in the evening (I had to inject Pregnyl at 10pm) was - well. Injections aren't great. It hurt quite a bit as 2 doses of powder is a lot of powder. My leg still hurts and it's nearly 24 hours later. But the IVF injections aren't as bad as you expect. It's only 1o seconds each, when you think about it. And I always think that this is our way of making a baby. So it's a good thing, isn't it?
Today there were no injections at all. From Midnight onwards I am not allowed to drink or to eat. And at 7:30 we are in the hospital. And then I can just hope that I have enough eggs, but not too many so they decide not to proceed to embryo transfer. And that everything goes well.
Not sure I'll feel like writing tomorrow, so you might have to wait till the weekend for an update. Just cross your fingers for me.
I did the bloodtest first and it went well. Then I had my vaginal scan. It was fine - not at all painful as the time before, but more like the first 3 times. I just must have been really bloated the last time. Everything looked well. I have loads of follicles (about 20) and the vary from 9mm to over 20mm.
The nurse said that the sizes are really good, everything looks great.
She told me to do my Pregnyl injection in the evening. Like with Menopur I needed to mix it - just 2 powders and 1 liquid. I don't need to inject any more Menopur and the Suprecur injection in the morning was the last one as well. Unless they call me and tell me otherwise.
I texted my husband that it's all okay and egg retrieval will go ahead on Wednesday.
But then - about 5:30 - my mobile rang. I was still at work and as soon as I saw "private number", I started worrying. It had to be the hospital.
I picked up and the nurse said her name and then asked if I can talk. They never ask that. They usually just say - "Can you reduce your Menopur for the next 2 days to x powders?"
So I knew there was something wrong. I went out in the hallway close to the toilets in case I'd burst into tears. My scan was fine, she said. No problem at all. But my blood test... Despite resting on Sunday (no Menopur) and only having 1 powder of Menopur each on Friday and Saturday my hormone levels are too high and the consultant is concerned.
We'll go ahead with the egg retrieval she said. But if they get too many eggs the consultant might not feel it to be safe to continue with embryo transfer. In that case they would fertilize the eggs and if there are any good enough to freeze, freeze the embryos. I'd then need to wait 2-3 months until we can start again on a frozen cycle.
I want this. Now. Not in a few months. I've been so patient recently, but I don't want to wait longer. What if the embryos don't survive the defrosting? That's my full cycle and my frozen cycle gone. The next one we need to pay for ourselves and it would be nearly summer by then.
Right now I am absolutely petrified. I will only find out after the operation when I wake up. Either we do embryo transfer on Friday or in a few months. Great.
The injection in the evening (I had to inject Pregnyl at 10pm) was - well. Injections aren't great. It hurt quite a bit as 2 doses of powder is a lot of powder. My leg still hurts and it's nearly 24 hours later. But the IVF injections aren't as bad as you expect. It's only 1o seconds each, when you think about it. And I always think that this is our way of making a baby. So it's a good thing, isn't it?
Today there were no injections at all. From Midnight onwards I am not allowed to drink or to eat. And at 7:30 we are in the hospital. And then I can just hope that I have enough eggs, but not too many so they decide not to proceed to embryo transfer. And that everything goes well.
Not sure I'll feel like writing tomorrow, so you might have to wait till the weekend for an update. Just cross your fingers for me.
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